The Politics of Pooping

Hey. In an effort to legitimize this little blog of ours, I have decided to post a primer to a discussion revolving around the social aspect of pooping in public places (PPP).

Most males already are familiar with the "rules" regarding accessing urinals in a public setting:

• When approaching a bank of urinals, use an end unit first


• Always keep at least one urinal between you and your nearest neighbour


• If the above is not possible, use a sit-down toilet


• If the above is not possible, come back later.

But how many of us have broached the subject of PPP? A recent reading of a Jay Pinkerton post on an unfortunate PPP incident got me to thinking. What are the "rules" on pooping? Is there a standard code of conduct? Should we adopt some general practices when dropping our shorts and letting loose processed materials? What constitutes normalcy and decency in the realm of poopdom? Its time to examine the logic of toilet-choosing.

Let's take the easiest case first. You walk into an empty bathroom, pinching a turd. Where do you turn? My recommendation is to take the furthest toilet available, next to the wall. This, of course, is overruled if the door does not shut/lock. No need to share visuals if you are already contributing to the smell-o-factor of the room. My only other caveat is if it is a handicapped unloading zone. You don't park in the handicapped spots at the mall (you don't, do you??), so don't do it in the porcelain palace unless it is your last resort.

Stop, drop, and roll. Don't forget to wash yer hands on the way out.

Now what happens if your first choice for poopin' is taken? As in the peepee rules, take the toilet furthest away. In the event that there are only two available, be comforted knowing there will be at least a few plies of sheet metal between you and that other guy with his pants around his ankles. Obviously, if the wind is blowing in the wrong direction (read: its damn stinky in there), gauge your level of discomfort and come back later if possible.

The last major issue of PPP is around timing. Often, you will be faced with a situation in which you are 2nd (or 3rd) into the log lair, so what is the appropriate behaviour? Logic here surrounds the principle that I don't view PPP as an opportunity to make new friends, and as such, would prefer to not have contact with anyone else during my session.

Accounting has taught me little in my life, but there is one lesson I do remember: FIFO - first in, first out. If you got there first, you owe it to your fellow poopers to get out of there without making a fuss in a timely fashion. Pooping at home can be a relaxing event, complete with appropriate reading material and/or tunes and/or the phone next to the toilet. However, in a public setting, I find that my rule of thumb is to do my business and move on. That being said, you will often encounter dawdlers.

Perhaps the sports section is a particularly good read in the morning. Perhaps you work in a plant and the dude next to you decides to spend his 15 minute break napping on the throne. Or, perhaps, the porcelain pedestal is the ideal place to contemplate page 784 of War & Peace. Regardless, there is always the possibility that your fellow man will not abide by your code of conduct for PPP. It is the one scenario for which there is no easy answer. What if you both decide to pack up at the same time? Do you really want to know who it was in the next stall that made all those strange sounds? Can you work comfortably with that individual for the rest of your day/year/career?

My answer: Anticipation, and speed with purpose. Do what you have to, but remember that minimized contact with fellow dumpers will avoid future awkward situations. Unless someone rips a memorable fart - then you can applaud.